Month: September 2020

[Article] “So, NLP – is it a load of b******s, or what?”

Posted on by Mary McNeil

Some experiences will stay with me forever.  Back in 2002, I participated in a residential ‘meet the buyer’ event. It was my first time at this kind of sales opportunity and I was keen to make sure I gained a return on my investment.

With that in mind, I’d studied the advance information about the buyers who would be present and made notes for the scheduled one-to-one meetings across the two days. All well-prepared, I settled in to enjoy the speakers, the company and the general conversation.

At dinner after the first day of meetings and speakers, I found myself sitting beside someone who was very definitely on my target list. He represented a technical organisation that employed some of the best brains in the industry and I just knew that our style would suit them.

I’d already come to the conclusion that talking business over dinner wasn’t a good idea. Added to that, this person was showing signs of being a fairly introverted personality type and wasn’t joining in much of the general chat around the table. I initiated some fairly low-key conversation with him and soon we were chatting away very comfortably.

I enjoyed his company and had forgotten that this man was one of my main targets for sales. Probably a good thing!

The following day we had a pre-planned meeting scheduled and as I took my place at the table allocated for the two of us, he launched straight in with,

“So, Dianne, NLP – is it a load of b******s, or what?”

If I hadn’t warmed to him over dinner the previous evening I might have been offended at that. I was a little alarmed, I hadn’t banked on my prime target already being anti-NLP.

So I took a deep breath and began,

“I don’t know. Maybe if I tell you some of the ways we use it…” he nodded and I continued with my description of some of the client projects we’d undertaken and the results they yielded. I talked a bit about some of the individuals I’d coached and brought through mental blocks or difficult emotional baggage, concluding with,

“So, does that sound like a load of b*******s, or what?” Being nicely brought up I would not normally have used such language to a client (and my mother would be very shocked to know I had) but in the spirit of maintaining rapport I knew I had to mirror the language.

To my immense relief he smiled and said, “No, not at all”.

As a result of that meeting, I coached several of his business leaders over a period of about four years. A great outcome, but I’ll never forget that opening line.

Some while afterwards (as is often the case) I thought of a much better response I could have given:

“Is NLP a load of b******s? Yes, it is.  It’s the dog’s b******s!!”

[Video] Digital vs In Person

Posted on by Mary McNeil

When the UK went into lockdown and we all migrated our meetings onto Zoom and Teams and various other platforms, one of the things I said was that there was perhaps one good thing that might come out of this. If we were all forced to use these virtual media, then we might get a better sense of what they’re good for, and what they’re not so good for.

So here we are, some months down the line and we’ve certainly had a go at all sorts of things online. What do we think?

[Article] What else can you do?

Posted on by noisegate

Some years ago I read a post on Bob Howard-Spink’s blog in which he compares to-do lists with Leonardo Da Vinci and suggests that as well as a ‘to-do’ list, we can all benefit from having a ‘things I’ve done’ list.

(You can read the complete post at http://dld.bz/brfZr – I checked and it’s still there).

So it got me thinking. Have you ever noticed that there’s something you find easy to do, but which other people admire and regard you as very skilled because you can do it when they find it hard?

Chances are, you acquired that skill in a completely different phase of your life or in a different context, but nonetheless it gave a capability that you can be proud of.

For example, in my 20s, when I did a lot of competitive debating, I never imagined that one day it would give me total confidence in front of a video camera! But when I trace back the origin of my ability to speak to camera without any notes, I’m pretty sure it’s a consequence of many hours spent at a particularly barbaric form of debating known as ‘2-person debating’. (Five minutes to prepare then the toss of a coin decides which side you’re on).

Whatever the niche that you currently operate in, I’m sure there’s a lot more that you can do and many more activities that you enjoy.

What about making a list of your capabilities? Not the kind of list you make to impress a potential client or to put on a CV. Just a list for your own pleasure. A list of things you can do. To remind you how far you’ve come in your journey through life and to appreciate the opportunities you’ve had.

My list would include: Hanging wallpaper, baking a cake, reversing a canal boat into a berth (you don’t know how impressive that is unless you’ve ever tried it!), ballroom dancing and chairing a meeting with formal progress of a motion in line with Roberts’ Rules of Order. And I might add measuring a man for a bespoke suit but I wouldn’t want to brag…

So, come on, today celebrate the amazing skills that you’ve picked up over the years and revel in the variety of different things you can turn your hand to.  There is more to life than niche marketing!

Add your list to the comments, please!

[Video] Neurological levels

Posted on by noisegate

Neurological levels is a concept pioneered by Robert Dilts back in the early days of NLP, but somehow it seems to have been overlooked in a lot of modern NLP training. Some schools of NLP still include it, but others have disregarded it. So if you haven’t come across this model before, I really encourage you to explore it in more detail…

[Article] Dealing with criticism

Posted on by Mary McNeil

I’m often asked about how to give feedback. It’s much less often that anyone raises the issue of how to deal with receiving feedback, especially when it feels like criticism.

Last week someone posted a comment on the Brilliant Minds blog, in which they told me that they had been reading/watching my blog posts for some time and that I seemed to be saying the same things over and over and didn’t have any new ideas.  (They also said they were going to unsubscribe, so I don’t expect that person to be reading this!)

Do I care? Yes, of course I do! I like to think that I’m giving my readers high value material every week. It’s true, there are some common themes, but that’s just to remind you – and me – of the success factors that never go away.  The things we have to keep doing all the time.

So yes, that comment stung a bit.

Have you ever noticed that you have a better memory for the critical comments than for the supportive ones? Most of the trainers I talk to about this agree that one negative comment in a pile of glowing feedback can easily ruin a weekend! That single dissenting voice in a crowd of fans is the one that claims – and keeps – my attention more often than not.

So why is it?

Criticism tells us we didn’t get something exactly right. It tells us we have room for improvement. Maybe something to learn. The emotional sting that goes with it is a marker that keeps the memory of the criticism alive until we have answered the critic and restored our sense of our own abilities.

But have you ever felt robbed of your confidence or energy by a critical remark? What do you do in the face of feedback that festers in your mind and fosters a feeling of failure?

One of my friends showed me a quote from Theodore Roosevelt, which he used to bolster his ability to ignore the critics and refocus on his own purpose:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Theodore Roosevelt

Great quote, right?

When I get criticism I do three things:

Firstly, I consider whether or not I think the criticism is justified: entirely, partly, slightly or not at all. Of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but respecting someone else’s ‘map of the world’ doesn’t mean I have to agree with it. I find it’s best to do this once the first sting of the criticism has faded. In NLP terms, it’s easiest to do this in a meta-position, a dissociated state.

Secondly, I decide what action to take. It may be that I want to answer the critic in person; I may decide I want to improve my performance in some way; occasionally I might decide to stop doing something. This decision is important because that’s how I move on. Once I’ve decided how to respond, I’ve made use of the feedback and I can forget about it.

Thirdly, I take action and monitor the results. Sometimes, one person makes a criticism that speaks for many other people as well. In those cases, the actions taken might create a wave of positive feedback. Sometimes the critic is a lone voice and no-one else notices the changes I’ve made. One way or another, the results of my actions form useful feedback.

In reflecting on how I handle criticism, I’m reminded how important it is that managers in particular know how to give feedback in a constructive manner. Badly-prepared feedback can end up as brutal criticism and can de-motivate a person for hours, days or weeks, depending on their ability to deal with criticism.

So, next time you feel like criticising someone, stop and think. What do you actually want to achieve? What’s the best way of going about it?

And if all else is irrelevant, remember what your mother used to say (well, mine did anyway), “If you haven’t got anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut”.

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